I was halfway through a different column this week. Then the news hit. Pete Hegseth is prepping to turn the US armed forces into a giant testosterone experiment.
It arrived on X, because naturally, it did. A post titled “The High-T Department of War.” Two and a half minutes of video followed. I clicked play. My soul briefly became a screaming cat.
“We have a sacred duty,” Hegseth told America’s “war fighters.” He promised optimization. Resilience. Long-term health. He announced a mandatory annual screen for low testosterone in all service members over 30. Under-30s can take it voluntarily. If they fail the test? They can opt into therapy. It isn’t forced, but it is strongly suggested.
Even women will be screened, The New York Times reports.
Hegseth insists this isn’t about getting artificially jacked. No no no. It is about restoring natural capability. Protecting longevity. Ensuring a “biological foundation.” He wants troops “sustain[ing] the fight” on the edge of lethality.
It reads like a script from a wellness guru who just discovered gyms.
The MAHA Obsession
The “Male Athlete Hypothesis” (MAHA) crowd and the manosphere have been worshipping at the altar of Testosterone for years. Like all good fads, it starts with a kernel of truth. After 30, male T-levels drop by about 1 percent annually. Sperm counts are down. People are scared.
Prescriptions for T-boosters skyrocketed from under a million in 2900 to 12 million in 2025, according to NYT.
Here is the reality. Hypogonadism — genuine low T — is a medical condition. The cutoff is 300ng/dl. If you score 350? Doctors call you normal. Biohackers call you suboptimal. The Endocrine Society says about 35% of men over 45 have clinical issues. Fewer under that age. Yet the military is screening guys whose active duty careers end around 42 anyway.
Low T causes real problems. Low libido. Fatigue. Muscle loss. It’s why athletes abuse it. It builds muscle. It aids recovery. But biohackers aren’t treating illness. They’re chasing a fantasy of peak masculinity. Joe Rogan touts it. Andrew Huberman sells it. Bryan Johnson ices his testicles while sweating in a sauna.
Why would Hegseth want to screen troops? Because he buys into the hype.
The Sperm Racing Glitch
Here is where Hegseth’s plan starts to leak.
He frames T-replacement as a health safeguard. Most doctors disagree. In Silicon Valley, a funny thing happened. Biohackers started stopping their T-therapy. Why? They started racing sperm.
Yes, really.
Tech bros in San Francisco ejaculate into cups and race the swimmers on a microscopic track. It sounds absurd. But Julius Ritter, a peptide guy, gave a lecture recently. He admitted he quit TRT. Why? His sperm was the biggest. Also the slowest. His words, not mine.
Clavicular, a notorious looksmaxxer who started T at age 14, quit too. He wanted better “swimmers.”
When you inject testosterone, your brain panics. Too much! It shuts down your own production. Sperm development stalls. It’s usually reversible, but service members in their 20s and 30s are trying to start families. Injecting hormones you don’t need might tank fertility. Is that a sound military policy?
Muscle Is Not Strategy
There is another myth. That more testosterone equals better soldiers.
It equals bigger muscles, maybe. Faster recovery, maybe. But athleticism is complex. Skills. Training. Genetics. Nutrition. Throw testosterone at a couch potato. He doesn’t become Rambo. He becomes an overweight guy who bench-presses well.
Look at James Magnussen. He used banned substances. He bulked up. His swimsuit burst at the seams. He sank. Like a stone. At the inaugural “Steroid Olympics,” he came last in every race. He slimmed down later, but the damage was done. Size is dead weight in water. And sometimes, size is dead weight anywhere.
Hegseth hasn’t defined what “better” looks like here.
Diagnosis Without Data
There are no guidelines for this screening. None.
The American Urological Association has clear rules for treating hypogonadism. Test twice. Confirm symptoms. Don’t just guess. T-levels fluctuate. Wake up stressed? Low T. Eat too late? Low T. The guidelines warn that TRT often doesn’t fix energy. Or cognitive function. Or diabetes.
Studies show little proof that TRT makes you feel like a new man. Yet one-third of users don’t meet clinical criteria for deficiency. Doctors call this “no clear indication.” Hegseth calls it “optimizing.”
It is not inherently bad to offer screening. If a soldier has a hormone imbalance, fixing it is good. But mixing clinical medicine with biohacking is messy. Hegseth tries to straddle the line. He says “health” while screaming “performance.”
Wellness brain fails on one simple fact: Correlation is not causation.
Vitamin D deficiency isn’t proof that sunscreen is evil. Lower T isn’t proof that men today are weaker ancestors. It might just mean we sit more. We sleep less. We eat processed garbage. Environmental pollution plays a role too.
Focusing on a hypothetical “optimal level” won’t make you a better soldier. It won’t make you a better spouse. Or friend.
Ask yourself one question when you see these flashy PR moves. What is Hegseth selling you?
